I'm Alive
by LuvMeSumGlee
Summary: Rachel returns to Lima ten years after graduating and runs into Jesse, but things are not what they seem. Rated T just in case
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: This is my newest fic. It's somewhat inspired by Next to Normal. We'll see if it goes anywhere, since I've been unable to finish a story lately. Please review and let me know what you think!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or Next to Normal**

Rachel Berry pulled up to the familiar building, put her car into park, and took a deep breath. William McKinley High School. At twenty eight years old, it had been ten years since she had stepped foot in these halls. She had been all over the world, but coming back to her hometown had filled her with a sense of nostalgia. So here she was, fresh off the plane and she found herself in her old auditorium. She closed her eyes and let the memories wash over her. So many routines had been performed on this stage, and there were so many memories attached to those routines. Absentmindedly, she started doing the moves to some of her favorite routines. Don't Stop Believing, Somebody to Love, Like a Prayer. Without realizing it, she had started to sing.

_Life is a mystery_

_Everyone must stand alone_

_I hear you call my name_

_And it feels like home_

Then she heard that voice, the one she couldn't forget if she tried. It was sadder than she'd ever heard, almost wistful, as he whispered,

"Rachel." She spun around to see those familiar pale green eyes, that wavy brown hair, the strong jaw that accentuated his perfect features. He still had the lean, muscular body of a dancer.

"Jesse," she said, shocked, overjoyed, and confused all at once. The same emotions were evident on Jesse's face.

"Rachel?" he repeated, this time as a question.

"What are you doing here Jesse?" she asked, hands on her hips, guard instantly up.

"I, uh, I heard you were back in town. I figured you'd turn up here," he explained looking flustered. Rachel's expression softened. He had come to see her.

"It's good to see you Jesse," she said, stepping toward him, arms open to hug him. He stepped back, looking almost fearful. Rachel stopped short, letting her arms drop awkwardly to her side.

"Sorry," Jesse apologized, "It's just-"

"I get it," Rachel said, cutting him off. "It's been a long time," she said with a shrug.

"It sure has," Jesse sighed. He sat down at the edge of the stage, letting his feet dangle. He motioned for Rachel to join him and she did. "So tell me all about living in… where were you living again?" he asked. Rachel laughed.

"Pretty much everywhere," she answered. "But most recently, Germany."

"Okay," Jesse said with a short nod. "Start there and work backwards. Tell me everything."

So she did. Rachel got so caught up in telling the tales of her travels that she was shocked to glance at her watch and realize three hours had gone by.

"Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed. "I've got to go," she said standing up. Jesse stood up too. She turned to him and gave him a small smile. "This was nice. I'm really glad I got to see you." Jesse reached out warily and touched her arm. Rachel smiled at the warmth of his touch.

"Me too, Rach," he said in that sad wistful tone again. Rachel wanted to lean forward and kiss him, but decided against it. After a quick goodbye, she hurried out of the auditorium and headed to her mother's house.

"Rachel!" her mother cried. When Rachel had called Shelby Corcoran telling her she was coming home, her birth mother had jumped at the chance for them to try to restore their relationship. "Come in," she urged, stepping aside to let Rachel into the house. "Beth!" she called. "Come here, there's someone I want you to meet." Rachel stood there apprehensively as she waited for her half-sister (was that even the right term?). The pre-teen bounded down the stairs, then came to a halt. She looked down at the floor shyly. She had beautiful curly blonde hair, reminding Rachel of Quinn.

"Hi, Beth, I'm Rachel." Rachel said softly. Beth looked up and Rachel sucked in a breath as she found herself looking into the eyes of Noah Puckerman.

"Nice to meet you," Beth mumbled. Then she looked over to her mother. "Can I go back to my room now? The Sound of Music just started." Her mother nodded and with a stunning grin, Beth hurried back upstairs.

"She's lovely," Rachel said as she and Shelby headed into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. "She looks so much like them," she added softly.

"Have you talked to them lately?" Shelby asked. "Or any of your glee club friends?"

"Once or twice right after we graduated but after that…" Rachel shook her head. She sat and took the cup Shelby offered her. She took a sip of the coffee. "I saw Jesse today," she said softly, looking into the cup of warm liquid. She looked up when she heard a crash. Her mother had dropped her cup of coffee, shattered pieces covering the floor. Rachel rushed to help clean up the mess. Her mother was still standing, frozen.

"Rachel," she said.

"Don't worry, Mom, I wouldn't even think about getting back together with him after what he did. It was just nice to see him is all," she explained, looking up at her mother. She frowned when she saw her expression. Her mother was pale as snow, her eyes wide in a horrified expression. "Mom?" she asked, concerned. Her mom took her hand and sat her back down.

"Sweetheart," she said, and instantly Rachel knew something was wrong. Rachel didn't know Shelby well, but she knew she wasn't one for pet names. Rachel stiffened even before Shelby spoke again. "Honey, Jesse died five years ago."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Ok just to clarify, when I say I was inspired by Next to Normal, I mean I got the idea for this fic while listening to the song I'm Alive. So to answer FromtheBrain's question, it's not going to follow Next to Normal very closely. I might take a few plot points from it but not many. Thank you guys so much for all the reviews! Enjoy this chapter and keep up that reviewing!**

Rachel felt her vision blur. The room seemed suddenly devoid of oxygen, and no matter how many rapid breaths she took, she couldn't seem to get enough air in her lungs. Rachel knew this feeling. She was having a panic attack. She slid out of the chair and sank to the floor.

"That's not possible," Rachel said, trying to focus, to calm herself down. "I saw him, I spoke to him, I felt him!" she exclaimed, knowing she was getting hysterical. She gestured to her arm. "He touched me right here! I felt his hand! He can't be dead. He can't…" She drew her legs up, hugging them to her chest. She was sure she looked like she had lost it. She felt a hand on her shoulder and flinched.

"It was a drunk driver," her mother said softly. "He was on his way home from the airport. He had just got in from Los Angeles." Rachel looked over and saw tears welling up in Shelby's eyes. "I sang at his funeral," she whispered so quietly it was barely audible. Now the tears formed in Rachel's eyes, spilling out onto her cheeks.

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" she breathed.

"You said it yourself, you haven't talked to anyone from Lima in almost ten years. You sort of shut us all out. When would we have told you?" Shelby asked with a shrug, trying to regain her composure.

"But I saw him," Rachel protested. "Am I going crazy?" she wondered aloud. Shelby sighed and stood up.

"It's getting late and you're in no condition to drive. You should stay here tonight. I'll go call your dads," she said, helping Rachel to her feet and guiding her into the living room. Rachel took note of the fact that her mother didn't answer the question. Sitting alone on the couch, she put her head in her hands and began to sob.

"What's wrong?" a timid voice asked. Rachel looked up to see Beth watching her from the stairs.

"N-nothing," Rachel stammered, quickly wiping the tears away. Beth put one hand on her hip, pursed her lips, and raised her eyebrows in a way that looked so much like Quinn Fabray, Rachel almost laughed out loud.

"It doesn't look like nothing," Beth said seriously.

"I just got some bad news," Rachel explained. Beth crossed the room and sat on the couch, crossing her legs Indian style.

"What?" she asked. It had been a long time since Rachel had been around twelve year olds; she had forgotten how curious they were.

"A good friend of mine… died," she said, choking on the last word. "And I think I might be going crazy," she muttered to herself. Beth tilted her head to the side, studying Rachel.

"You don't look crazy," she stated. Rachel laughed.

"Thanks, Beth," she said. Beth smiled, then hopped off the couch to go ask her mother what was for dinner. Rachel looked around the room. Her eyes settled on a picture sitting on the mantle. She walked over and picked it up to get a better look. It was Jesse and Shelby grinning at the camera holding their Nationals trophy. She had never seen Jesse happier. Suddenly, the room felt like it was spinning. There was no way he could be dead. She swayed a little as a wave of nausea hit.

"Rachel?" She spun around to see her mother watching her with a concerned look on her face. "Are you all right?" she asked.

"I'm fine," Rachel said, "I just need some air." With that she rushed past her mother and out the front door. The sun had just set and the sky was a pale gray. Rachel closed her eyes and breathed in. The air smelled like flowers and fresh cut grass. Spring was definitely in the air. However, a cool wind blew reminding Rachel that winter wouldn't give up without a fight. As Rachel took steadying breaths, she felt her head clear. She didn't know what was going on, but it would be okay. She would figure it out, and things would go back to normal.

_I am what you want me to be_

_And I'm your worst fear, you'll find it in me_

_Come closer_

_Come closer_

Rachel's heart stopped when she heard the singing. It was him. She would know his voice anywhere. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing it to stop. It didn't.

_I am more than memory_

_I am what might be_

_I am mystery _

_You know me_

_So show me_

When Rachel dared to open her eyes, she instantly regretted it. Jesse was there, standing right before her. She opened her mouth to scream, but she was unable to make any sound come out. Jesse stepped closer, looking terrifying and beautiful all at once.

_When I appear it's not so clear _

_If I'm a simple spirit or I'm flesh and blood_

_But I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive_

_And I feed on the fear that's behind your eyes_

_And I need you to need me, it's no surprise _

_I'm alive_

_So alive_

_I'm alive _Jesse stopped, staring at Rachel. She was pale, sweating and shaking all over. He stepped toward her, reaching to put a hand on her face.

"Rachel," he said softly.

She fainted.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Thank you guys so much for all the reviews! This chapter's kinda short, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. On a slightly unrelated note, if you haven't seen Lea and Jon singing "Not While I'm Around" YouTube it right now! It's seriously the sweetest thing ever. I was thinking of that video while I was writing the last part of this chapter. Anyways, please review and let me know what you think!**

"_Jesse St. James, you have a really twisted sense of humor, singing that song. It freaked me out!" Rachel exclaimed. Jesse chuckled._

"_I couldn't resist," he said innocently. Rachel just glared at him. He sighed. "I'm sorry, okay?" He stepped closer and wrapped her into a hug. He pulled away with a grin splitting his face. "I can touch you in your dreams," he said excitedly. Rachel's brow furrowed._

"_But you touched me earlier," she said, confused._

"_Only with my hand and even that took extreme effort," he explained. "Trying to make myself solid is exhausting."_

"_But-" Rachel opened her mouth to ask more questions but Jesse put a finger to her lips to cut her off._

"_You can ask questions later. I don't how soon you're going to wake up, and I don't want to miss this chance." Before Rachel could ask what chance he was talking about, his lips were on hers and he was kissing her hungrily._

"_Jesse," she sighed._

"Thank God you're awake. What did you say sweetie?" A voice pulled Rachel back to reality. Rachel opened her eyes to see an unfamiliar room. She was laying in a strange bed and Shelby was sitting at the foot.

"Nothing," Rachel mumbled. "What happened?" she asked.

"I was hoping you could tell me," Shelby replied. "I went outside to tell you that dinner was ready and you were on the ground. It scared me half to de-" She cleared her throat. "It scared me," she corrected herself. "Do you remember what happened before you fainted?" she asked. Rachel bit her lip. She remembered exactly what happened, but there was no way she was going to tell Shelby that she had seen Jesse again. She did not want to be put in a mental hospital.

"No," she whispered, tears welling up into her eyes. Shelby moved to sit at the head of the bed, leaning against the wall. Rachel laid her head in her mother's lap, suddenly feeling more like a scared child then a grown woman who had just lived in Europe. Shelby stroked her raven hair, humming softly. Rachel let her eyes slide close.

_Nothing's gonna harm you_

_Not while I'm around_

_Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir_

_Not while I'm around_

Rachel wasn't even surprised when Jesse's smooth voice weaved in a harmony.

_Demons are prowling everywhere_

_Nowadays_

_I'll send 'em howling, I don't care_

_I've got ways_

Jesse voice was right in her ear. She opened her eyes to see him kneeling by the bed, face inches from hers. He was leaning on the bed. His arm was touching Shelby's leg, but she didn't do anything to indicate that she felt it.

_No one's gonna hurt you_

_No one's gonna dare_

_Other's may desert you_

_Not to worry whistle I'll be there_

_Demons'll charm you with a smile_

_For a while_

_But in time, nothing can harm you_

_Not while I'm around_

Rachel didn't know what tomorrow would bring, but for now she felt safe as she peacefully drifted off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: I think this is the longest chapter I've ever written. I'm pretty proud of myself haha. Anyway, I hope you guys like it, please review! That's all I have to say so, enjoy!**

When Rachel woke up the next morning, there was no sign of Jesse. After eating breakfast with Shelby and Beth, she said goodbye to them both and drove home. Her dads were there to greet her. Her dad Richard gave her a hug.

"Sweetheart, we're so sorry we didn't tell you about Jesse," he said, hugging her tighter. "We just never dreamed that-"

"That I would have a conversation with a dead guy?" Rachel finished wryly. Her fathers exchanged a look.

"No, we never dreamed that you would ask about him, since you haven't mentioned him since high school," her other dad Charles said slowly.

"Rachel," Richard said, sitting her down on the loveseat while he and Charles sat on the couch. "You've been through a lot but," he cleared his throat, "seeing dead people just isn't normal."

"We think maybe you should… talk to someone about it," Charles jumped in.

"You want me to see a therapist," Rachel said flatly.

"Well… yes," Richard said uncomfortably.

"You think I'm crazy," Rachel said, feeling her eyes burn as tears threatened to come.

"No, of course not sweetie," Charles said. "We can come too, if you want." Rachel shook her head vehemently.

"I'm not a child that needs her parents to take her to the doctor. I'll go alone," she said.

"Hello Rachel," Dr. Madden said, giving Rachel a firm handshake.

"Hello," Rachel said softly. Suddenly she regretted being so stubborn and refusing her fathers' offer. She needed someone there to reassure her. Even Jesse was strangely absent. Rachel sat on the couch uneasily. A couch in a therapist's office? How cliché. What next, was he going to ask her to lie down on it and talk about her feelings? At that moment, Rachel wished she were anywhere else in the world.

"So Rachel, I hear you're somewhat of a Broadway phenomenon," Dr. Madden remarked as he took a seat. Rachel beamed. This guy definitely knew the way to her heart. "You got a lead role in a Wicked revival right out of college, then started traveling the world, doing musicals all across Europe?"

"And Australia," Rachel added quickly. "But yes, that's right," she said, looking down shyly so she didn't seem too smug. Dr. Madden folded his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair.

"So what made you come back home?" he asked.

"Well the show I was in closed, and I hadn't visited in a long time so I figured now would be as good a time as any to spend a few months with my family," Rachel said with a smile. Despite all the weirdness, she truly was glad to see her fathers, along with Shelby and Beth. Dr. Madden nodded.

"So how would you classify your relationship with your fathers?" he asked. Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Look, we both know why I'm here, so enough of this beating around the bush. Just ask what you really want to ask me," she told him. Dr. Madden gave her a small smile.

"Fine," he said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. "Tell me about Jesse." Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep breath before beginning.

"Jesse and I met my sophomore year of high school," she said, recounting the facts in an even voice, not letting any emotion show. "He was a senior, the male lead of Vocal Adrenaline, my show choir's biggest rival. We hit it off immediately." Her voice softened as she remembered that day in the music store. "We're perfect for each other really. They say opposites attract, but I tried that with Finn and Puck and it didn't work out. Jesse and I are so… similar. We just fit together you know?" She laughed. "I guess he's my soul mate." She looked over at Dr. Madden. His expression was blank. "And, that's it," Rachel said. Dr. Madden raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything, just continued watching her. Rachel shifted uncomfortably. "Would you stop staring at me and just say something already?" she cried in exasperation.

"I find it interesting, that when you were talking about Jesse just now, you spoke about him in the present tense," Dr. Madden remarked coolly. Rachel paled, unable to form a coherent comeback, excuse, remark anything. "Rachel," Dr. Madden continued, "Whether you want to believe it or not, Jesse _is_ dead." Rachel stood abruptly.

"I have to go," she said shortly. As she was heading out the door, she caught Dr. Madden's last words.

"Instead of focusing on all the good things, maybe you should remember why you and Jesse broke up in high school. Your dad said he hurt you pretty badly." Rachel hesitated in the doorway, tears stinging her eyes, then ran out of the building.

Rachel came home to an empty house. It was the middle of the day and both her dads were at work. She headed up to her room and flopped onto her bed.

"What's wrong?" Rachel bolted up to see Jesse standing in her room.

"Where the heck have you been these past couple days?" she cried. Jesse looked shocked at her outburst.

"I figured you needed some space. To, you know, process everything," he explained. Rachel got up off the bed, angry.

"Well while you were giving me 'space' you want to know where I was? IN THERAPY!" she shouted.

"Rachel I'm sorry, I-"

"Oh you're sorry," Rachel said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "My whole world is falling apart, but as long as you're _sorry_…"

"Rach, what is the matter?" Jesse asked, confused and a bit concerned.

"How could you do that to me, Jesse?" Rachel asked as if Jesse hadn't spoken. "I trusted you. I loved you! And not only did you betray me, you broke my heart." Tears were forming in Rachel's eyes.

"You-you're mad about the egging?" he asked in disbelief. Rachel didn't say anything. He ran a hand through his hair. "Jesus, Rachel, that was twelve years ago! I was just a kid, I didn't know what I was doing!" he shouted. Jesse sat down on her bed. "I thought winning another National championship was the most important thing, and the only way Vocal Adrenaline would take me back is if I egged you." Rachel winced at the memory. Jesse sighed. "But after we won, I realized how stupid I had been. The only thing I wanted was you." Rachel looked at him and bit her lip. "I'm sorry Rachel. I love you." Rachel sighed. Her dead ex boyfriend just told her he loved her. She was definitely going crazy. But that didn't stop her from saying,

"I love you, too."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: First of all, I am sooo sorry I just kind of abandoned this story. School just got really crazy and I didn't have time, and when I did have time I didn't have inspiration. But anyway I'm back and I'm going to try my best to keep this story going. So there's not much plot development in this chapter, which I feel bad about since I left you hanging for so long and now all I give you is a filler chapter but that's how it is. I hope you enjoy this chapter anyway and I will try to update as soon as I can, though it probably won't be as often as I usually update.**

**P.S. I used the original lyrics of Touch Me, cuz I like them better ****J**

**Oh, and please review and let me know what you think!**

Rachel woke to the early evening's red-gold sunlight streaming in through her window. She had been so spent from therapy and yelling at Jesse, that she had collapsed on her bed and fallen asleep instantly. She looked at Jesse, who was laying next to her, eyes closed, a peaceful look on his face. She wanted so much to reach over and stroke his forehead, pushing back his curls. She wanted to kiss his eyelids, his cheeks, and, of course, those soft full lips. But she couldn't. She sighed.

"I didn't know ghosts slept," she murmured to herself.

"We don't," Jesse responded, opening one eye and grinning that adorable grin of his.

"So you were just lying here with your eyes closed, waiting for me to wake up and see you?" Rachel asked with a small chuckle.

"Possibly," Jesse said, sitting up. Rachel rolled her eyes and got off the bed, turning on her stereo. She smiled as the soundtrack from Spring Awakening filled the room. She closed her eyes and let the familiar opening strains of _Touch Me_ wash over her. She walked over to her vanity, picked up a brush and absentmindedly ran it through her hair. She looked at the mirror and saw Jesse watching her in the reflection. Closing her eyes again, she softly hummed along with the first verse.

_Where I go, when I go there_

_No more memory anymore_

_Only drifting on some ship_

_A wind that whispers of the distance to shore_

During Melchior's part, Jesse got off the bed and moved to stand behind Rachel. He leaned forward, burying his face in her hair. Rachel swore she could feel his breath against her ear as he crooned Moritz's part.

_Where I go, when I go there_

_No more listening anymore_

_Only hymns upon your lips_

_A mystic wisdom rising with them to shore_

The entire time he sang, Rachel watched him in the mirror, not daring to turn and actually look at him. She watched as he made eye contact with her (she had no idea someone's reflection could hold such an intense stare) and, when he finished the verse, lightly brushed his fingertips down her arm. Rachel could feel it. Just barely, but it was enough. She gasped and her back arched in surprise. She let out a soft moan as she sang the chorus.

_Touch me, just like that_

_And that, oh yeah, now that's heaven_

_Now that I like, God, that's so nice_

_Now lower down, where the figs lie_

Jesse's eyes were half-closed, his mouth ever so slightly opened. Rachel realized he was getting as much pleasure from hearing her sing as she had gotten from his grazing touch. Their voices weaved together, blending perfectly, as they always had.

_O-oh my God, o-o-oh yeah yeah_

_O-oh my God, o-o-oh yeah yeah_

_Touch me, touch me_

Rachel bit her lip, wishing more than anything that Jesse could really touch her. She put all that longing into her singing as the song swelled.

_O-oh, o-oh, o-o-oh_

Without thinking, she leaned her head back against his shoulder. To her shock, it was solid. By that point she was to caught up in the song to question it. A shiver ran down Rachel's spine as Jesse belted out the next verse.

_Where I go, when I go there_

_No more shadows anymore _

_Only you there in the kiss_

_And nothing missing as you're drifting to shore_

Jesse turned Rachel around so she was facing him, his strong arms encircling her waist.

_Where I go, when I go there_

_No more weeping anymore_

_Only in and out your lips_

_The broken wishes washing with them to shore_

Jesse cupped her face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears that were involuntarily flowing from her eyes. Neither of them could stop smiling as they sang to each other with all their might.

_Touch me, all silent_

_Tell me, please, all is forgiven_

_Consume my wine, consume my mind_

_I'll tell you how, how the wind sighs_

_Touch me, just try it_

_Now that's it, God_

_Oh that's heaven_

_I'll love you right, we'll wander down_

_Where the figs lie_

Jesse pulled Rachel even closer and kissed her softly, letting the singers on the CD finish the song.

_Love me, just for a bit_

_We'll wander down, where the wind sighs_

_Where the wind sighs…_

Rachel opened her eyes to see Jesse laying next to her on the bed. His brow furrowed as he watched her face.

"It wasn't-" she choked out. Jesse shook his head.

"It was a dream, Rach. It wasn't real," he said, sounding as devastated as she felt. She rolled over onto her back, staring at the ceiling. Jesse laid a hand on top of hers. She felt nothing.


End file.
